My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started…..
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started …
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started
I rear ended the car in front of me on the way to work. I got out of the car to look at the damage, but the other driver seemed to have some trouble getting out of his car. There was hardly a scratch, so he could not have been injured. But when the door opened I understood why. Because he was a Dwarf, he had an elaborate system of belts and pedals which enabled him to drive. He walks around to the back of the car. Looks at the scratch and says to me, “I am not happy”. So I said, “Well then, which one are you?”
And then the fight started.
So I said to my wife “what would you do if we won the lottery”?
“I’d take half of it and leave you”, she said.
“Well, I won ten bucks today; here’s your five; now f##k off!” I replied..
..And then the fight started…
My wife was filling out a questionnaire from the gynecologist.
She said, “I need YOUR help with this question. Does it hurt YOU when we have sex?”
I said, “Only if the light’s on.”
And that’s when the fight started…
A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?” “I would love to.” Replied the husband. “But I don’t know her well enough.”…..
…..and then the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first… ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale…
And that’s how the fight started…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’ The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
And then the fight started…
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
..and that’s how the fight started.
I would love to see Jeff Dunham and Terry Fator together on stage.
This websites previous hosting company, forced by their Network provider have demanded that any text on this website that reads “Welcome to Parry Sound” be removed. This because Nick Slater filed a complaint.
According to an email from the host, their network provider has decided that this is a trademark violation. They claim to have consulted with legal counsel in the matter. Changing the title was not good enough, any reference to “Welcome to Parry Sound” was demanded to be removed.
Not a chance will Nick Slater suppress my freedom of Speech in Canada. If Nick Slater wants to file suit in a court of law, bring it on! Until you do, stop trying to bully law abiding Canadians into the dark ages. Last I checked, I live in a free country who encourages free speech.
Nick Slater of Zeuter Development runs a business of Web hosting and ISP in the Parry Sound Area.
“Welcome to Parry Sound” has been trademarked. A small town that welcomes tourists. Now Nick Slater, a businessman from Parry Sound, who claims he owns the trademark “Welcome to Parry Sound” has been reported by locals and media to be trying suppress anyone from writing the words in any form, the internet, newspapers, facebook, etc. without paying him royalties for the use of his trademark.
In my opinion this is ignorance when it comes to the interpretation of a trademark. If I was a betting man, I would bet a Darwin award is pending.
Wind Mobile has launched service. No contracts, no phone subsidies, no Long Distance Gouging….. NO SERVICE in many places.
Locked Handsets even though you pay full price and they are rightfully yours.
Handsets incompatible with all other high speed networks in Canada (Will work on Rogers GSM).
All inclusive packages only include airtime when on the Wind Mobile Network (Limited coverage in the GTA). You will pay per minute fees if outside Wind’s service area.
Not such a good deal…..
Ontario’s ban on the use of cellphones, BlackBerrys and other hand-held electronic devices by drivers will take effect Oct. 26.
Motorists can expect a three-month education period when the ban first comes into effect, which means police will show some leniency.
But police will begin issuing tickets next Feb. 1.
Ontario drivers could be fined up to $500 if they’re caught using their hand-held cellphones or BlackBerrys to talk, email or send text messages while behind the wheel.
The government has said hands-free devices aren’t covered by the legislation, but they are not recommended for use while driving.
Ontario is the fourth province to enact such a ban, following Newfoundland and Labrador, Quebec and Nova Scotia. Manitoba has introduced similar legislation.
Drivers are also banned from using portable video games and DVD players but they are allowed to use their cellphones for 911 calls.
Global positioning systems are allowed, as long as they’re properly secured to the dashboard.
There are no demerit points attached to the Ontario law, unlike in other provinces.
However, Ontario motorists using a banned cellphone could also be charged under careless driving laws and face fines, six demerit points, a driver’s licence suspension and even jail time.
In October, 2009 Bill 118 – Countering Distracted Driving and Promoting Green Transportation Act, 2009 will be implemented and enforced on the highways, streets and roads of Ontario after a public awareness program is conducted for Ontarians, concerning the new prohibition on driving while using or viewing electronic hand-held devices (this includes, cell phones, iPhones, smartphones, blackberries, iPods, MP3 players, DVD players, laptop computers, eBook readers, portable games), is conducted.
Similar rules and laws have already been passed in other Provinces. In fact, Ontario followed four (4) other Provinces in passing this legislation. Ontario follows Newfoundland and Labrador, Prince Edward Island, Quebec and Nova Scotia. Manitoba follows Ontario as the sixth Province implementing similar legislation.
The rules in Ontario for using a hand-held device attract less sanctions then Newfoundland and Labrador, Prince Edward Island, Quebec and Nova Scotia.
Starting in October, 2009:
In Ontario, if police witness you using a hand-held device (to: view,talk, listen, emailing (reading or sending or writing) or text messaging (reading or sending or writing) or observing a GPS (global positioning system) unit (not properly affixed to the dashboard) while operating a motor vehicle (you are situated behind the steering wheel of the vehicle and are operating it and have care and control of the motor vehicle) in Ontario, you will receive a ticket worth up to $500.00.
See sections 78 (1) to 78.1 (subsections 1-8 inclusive) of the Highway Traffic Act.
If the police consider your use of such a device as careless driving, you could potentially be charged with careless driving pursurant to section 130 of the Highway Traffic Act. A conviction for this offence, would mean the driver would accumulate six (6) demerit points on your driving record, face a huge fine, up to $2000.00 (and a huge increase in insurance premiums or having insurance cancelled), suspension of one’s driver’s licence and possible incarceration.
# In Newfoundland and Labrador: if you are convicted of this offence (which came into effect on April 1, 2003), you will receive a ticket and a fine in a range of $100.00 to $400.00 and will accumulate four (4) demerit points. If the defendant defaults on payment of the fine, they face possible incarceration of 2 – 14 days. See section 176.1 of the Newfoundland and Labrador Highway Traffic Act.
# Prince Edward Island prohibits (which began April 1, 2007) newly licensed drivers (Stage 1) from using cellphones (or utilizing headphones) or any hand-held electronic device while operating or having care or control of a motor vehicle. driving. See section 6 of Graduated Driver Licensing Regulations P.E.I Reg. EC225/07 + P.E.I. Reg. EC321/01 ($100.00 fine)), – Enabling Legislation- subsection 69(1) of the Highway Traffic Act, R.S.P.E.I. 1988.
# In Quebec: if you are convicted of this offence (which began on April 1, 2008), you will receive a fine of $115.00 + and will accumulate three (3) demerit points. Bill 42 (An Act to amend the Highway Safety Code and the Regulation respecting demerit points -see section 26.1) See sections 439.1 and 508.3 of the Highway Safety Code.
# In Nova Scotia: See Bill 7 (An Act to Amend Chapter 293 of the Revised Statutes, 1989, the Motor Vehicle Act).If you are convicted of this offence (which began on April 1, 2008) , you will be fined starting at $135.75 for a first offence, $164.50 and up to $222.00 for repeated subsequent offences (see N.S. Reg.4/2001 – 5A (1) Category A). See section 100D (1) & (2) of the Nova Scotia Motor Vehicle Act.
# Manitoba: introduced legislation in November that proposed fines of at least $190 for using hand-held cellphones. Bill 5 was given royal assent on June 11, 2009. see Manitoba Highway Traffic Act – s.215.1(1) to 215.1(6).
# British Columbia’s Solicitor General, Kash P. Heed, has called for public input by August 7, 2009 on possible restrictions on cellphone use and on the issue of sanctions.
Those who are exempt from this new Ontario law:
Police, Firefighters and Paramedics. Driver’s (who are not police,firefighters or paramedics) requiring emergency services, are exempt from the law if they are calling “911?.
As a driver in Ontario, you are exempt from this law if you are calling “911? as a result of an emergency or if you are pulled over safely off of the roadway or you are properly parked.
How can a driver, operating a motor vehicle in Ontario, make or accept a phone call without violating this law?
If driver’s, driving in Ontario want to initiate outgoing phone calls or accept incoming phone calls, the law provides for the use of hands-free devices (ie.-headsets, bluetooth technology, OnStar, etc.).
If you want to use your communication (that is not a hands-free device) or entertainment device, in compliance with the law, while you are behind the wheel in a motor vehicle, you must meet these conditions:
# the motor vehicle you are operating, is off the roadway or is lawfully parked on the roadway.
# the motor vehicle you are operating, is not in motion (this doesn’t include a “traffic light” or “stop sign”)
# the motor vehicle you are operating, is not impeding traffic.
This means that while operating your motor vehicle as the driver and if you do not have a headset, bluetooth technology or something similar, you must pull over and use your cell phone or i phone to initiate or accept a phone call. There was a time when driver’s had to stop and exit their motor vehicles and go to a phone booth to make a phone call.
This is important advise that, when followed, can keep you safe online.
Use these nine safety tips to invest safely on the Internet:
1. Protect your personal information.
2. Don’t click on links in e-mails.
3. Use secure sites for online banking and investing.
4. Ignore junk e-mail.
5. Protect your computer.
6. Use information and advice only from registered sources.
7. Don’t always believe what you read online.
8. Don’t buy thinly traded, little-known securities based only on what you read online.
9. Don’t let anyone sell you products when you only asked for information.
Phishing: a growing problem
Phishing involves both a request for personal information and a link for you to follow. According to Industry Canada, 18 million phishing e-mails were distributed in 2004. It is estimated that phishers are able to fool up to 5% of recipients. Here’s how it works:
* First, you get an e-mail from what seems like a legitimate financial institution (or an online shopping service such as PayPal or eBay). It asks you to verify your personal information by clicking on a link.
* The e-mails often say that there has been a “breach of security” or that they’ve “launched a new website.” They say it’s urgent that you confirm your login, account and/or credit card details.
* If you click on the link, you will be sent to a Web page that looks nearly the same as the company’s real website. But it’s not! It’s a fake page that the scam artists have designed to trick you into giving them your account, credit card, or identity details.
Learn how to protect yourself from phishing and other forms of online fraud.
Tip: If you suspect you have been targeted by a phishing attack, report it immediately to the financial institution in question. Most of the financial institutions that have been used as bait by phishers now have security warnings on their websites and hotlines where you can report such attacks. Also, report it to the Anti-Phishing Working Group, a global, pan industrial and law enforcement association committed to wiping out Internet scams and fraud.
For the full article, see the Globe and Mail website here
I see a match made in heaven. She could marry Paul Potts
Welcome Susan Boyle to the world!