Stephenson's

….and that’s when the fight started!

June 17, 2013 on 11:46 am | In Humour | No Comments

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started…..

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started …

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started

I rear ended the car in front of me on the way to work. I got out of the car to look at the damage, but the other driver seemed to have some trouble getting out of his car. There was hardly a scratch, so he could not have been injured. But when the door opened I understood why. Because he was a Dwarf, he had an elaborate system of belts and pedals which enabled him to drive. He walks around to the back of the car. Looks at the scratch and says to me, “I am not happy”. So I said, “Well then, which one are you?”

And then the fight started.

So I said to my wife “what would you do if we won the lottery”?
“I’d take half of it and leave you”, she said.
“Well, I won ten bucks today; here’s your five; now f##k off!” I replied..

..And then the fight started…

My wife was filling out a questionnaire from the gynecologist.
She said, “I need YOUR help with this question. Does it hurt YOU when we have sex?”
I said, “Only if the light’s on.”

And that’s when the fight started…

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?” “I would love to.” Replied the husband. “But I don’t know her well enough.”…..

…..and then the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first… ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale…

And that’s how the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’ The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”

And then the fight started…

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
..and that’s how the fight started.